Trump “Shower Wars”: Water Pressure, Hair Care, and Freedom

A global trade war? Pfft. That’s small potatoes compared to what President Donald Trump tackled on Wednesday: the epic battle to redefine the humble “shower head.” Yes, in a move that the White House boldly declared would “end the Obama-Biden war on water pressure,” Trump signed an executive order that would forever change the way Americans shower, flush, and wash their hands.

Trump, who’s been vocal about his personal beef with weak water pressure for years, was finally ready to make a splash—literally. “In my case, I like to take a nice shower to take care of my beautiful hair,” Trump explained, clearly not satisfied with the current “drip, drip, drip” situation. “I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. It’s ridiculous.”

The White House, in its infinite wisdom, echoed Trump’s noble vision, stating that the executive order would apply to multiple household appliances—yes, even toilets. Because, why not? “By restoring shower freedom,” they said, “President Trump is following through on his commitment to dismantle unnecessary regulations and put Americans first.” Water pressure first, obviously.

Some experts, however, were a tad confused. Andrew deLaski, executive director of the Appliance Standards Awareness Project, pointed out that Trump’s water woes seemed a bit... outdated. “It was very striking that the White House memo included toilets and shower heads as a presidential priority. It really was something,” he quipped.

But the president’s complaints are nothing new. In fact, Trump has been harping on about toilets flushing “10 times, 15 times,” and showers where “the water drips down slowly, slowly” since, well, forever. “When you go into these new homes with showers, the water drips down slowly,” he grumbled once more in 2023, as if he’s the only one suffering in the post-apocalyptic world of bad water pressure.

Let’s not forget Trump’s first-term triumph of rolling back energy-efficiency standards for lightbulbs, which—shocking—he claimed was all about consumer choice. If your bulb is too dim, just buy a better one, right? And so, in the spirit of fighting the real battles, Trump also crafted loopholes for inefficient dishwashers, toilets, and showers, a victory that Joe Biden later heroically reversed.